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WERE PRIVATES
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
BITE BREASTS
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
PAINFUL GOLFING INJURY
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled "fore" but it was too late.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"
SHY GUY
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
SADDAMS BODY DOUBLES
"The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.
"Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'
"'And the bad news?' they ask.
"Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'"
DOG NAMED MYPENIS
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: When is a blonde going to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me...
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women"
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"
Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ada!
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adam!
Adam who?
Adam if I do and adam if I don't!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai!
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agnes!
Agnes who?
Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyson!
Tyson who?
Tyson of this on for size!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uganda!
Uganda who?
Uganda get away with this!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uriah!
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uruguay!
Uruguay who?
You go Uruguay and I'll go mine! Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tis.
Tis who?
Tis who is good to blow your nose with.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Toast!
Toast who?
Toast where the days!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Toby!
Toby who?
Toby or not toby, that is the question!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tolkien!
Tolkien who?
Tolkiens get you on the subway!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tom Sawyer!
Tom Sawyer who?
Tom Sawyer underwear!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hot Air!
Hot Air who?
Hot air pardner, how ya doin'?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
House!
House who?
House you doing!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
House boy!
House boy who?
Great, House boy you?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard can it be to guess a Knock Knock
joke?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard like to be outside for a change?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hal!
Hal who?
Hal about Eve!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amana!
Amana who?
Amana bad mood! My new text...knock, knock
who's there?
apipothis
apipothis who?
apipothis your breath smells awful
Knock Knock
who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
oh do not cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
knock knock
who's there
do
do who
do you know that God loves you
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald mah gum.
KNOCK KNOCK
WHO'S THERE?
LETTUCE
LETTUCE WHO?
LET US IN AND YOU'LL FIND OUT
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Yo momma.
Yo momma, who?
Seriously, it's yo momma, open the door! View High Resolution
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Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued..."
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "We don't do livestock."
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she don't sit in the house, she sits around the house.
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo momma so fat when she bungie jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "One at a time, please!"
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train to get on her good side!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to every one.
Yo momma so fat she was in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.
Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "OK!"
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!
Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat that her senior picture had to be an arial view!
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat when she back up she beeps.
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat she fell over and rocked herself asleep trying to get up.
Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
Yo momma so fat when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat You have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all You-Can-Eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get off!
Yo momma so fat and stupid her waist size is larger than her IQ!
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.
Yo momma so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale.
Yo momma so fat I can take her to the beach and sell her for shade.
Yo momma so fat she can't tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcolm X shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
Yo momma so fat that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo momma so stupid it took her half an hour to make minute rice.
Yo momma so stupid she threw a brick at the floor and missed.
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went back and got 16 friends.
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gas money!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice.
Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book.
Yo momma so stupid she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo momma so stupid she went to Disney World and saw a sign that said "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and when I said "Guess." So she said "Levi's?"
Yo momma so stupid she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's.
Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.
Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she could see herself sleeping if she woke up fast enough.
Yo momma so stupid she called the 24 Hour Store and asked what time they closed.
Yo momma so stupid she bought a doughnut at Duncan Doughnuts and returned it because there was a whole in it.
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" And her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it!"
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly the dog miss took her for his rear end.
Yo momma so ugly she jumped in the water and the water jumped out.
Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungie cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma so ugly I heard that Your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water.
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours for a quote!
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers.
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on lay away.
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money.
Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls, so she don't eat her fingers.
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo momma so short she does back flips under the bed.
Yo momma so short she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
Yo momma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick.
Yo momma so short when she jumps off the toilet she sprains her ankles.
Yo momma so short she has to look up to look down.
Yo momma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down.
Yo momma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left.
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave.
Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bath water.
Yo momma so nasty she made Sure confused.
Yo momma so nasty she went swimming in our pool and now we have the dead sea.
Yo momma so cross-eyed she doesn't need a rearview mirror to drive.
Yo momma so cross-eyed when she cries, the tears roll down her back.
Yo momma so cross-eyed she can smell her eyes.
Yo momma so cross-eyed she walks where she's lookin, in a circle!
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a head lock.
Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weed whacker.
Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo momma so skinny she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo momma so skinny she peeps through keyholes with both eyes.
Yo momma so bald you can see what's on her mind.
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo momma so bald when she wears a turtleneck it looks like a busted condom.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo momma's house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo momma's house so small, the doormat just says WEL.
Yo momma's house so small You have to go outside to change Your mind.
Yo momma's house is so small, I walked in the front door and fell out the back.
Yo momma's house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo momma's head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Yo momma's head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaud.
Yo momma's teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo momma's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Yo momma's breath so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
Yo momma's lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
Yo momma's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
Yo momma's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma's hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo momma's twice the man You are.
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me around no more."
Yo momma so grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't serve Happy Meals.
Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I ain't standin for this!"
Yo momma so nasty, that when she pulls of her panties, it sounds like Velcro....
Yo momma reminds me of the toilet bowl. She's white, round, and smells like shit.
Yo Moma So Poor that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
Yo Moma So Poor they put her photo on food stamps.
Yo Moma So Poor when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.
Yo Moma So Poor she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.
Yo Moma So Poor when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.
Yo Moma So Poor the building society repossed her cardboard box.
Yo Moma So Poor she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Yo Moma So Poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers
Yo Moma So Poor she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.
Yo Moma So Poor when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.
Yo Moma So Poor I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.
Yo Moma So Poor when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
Yo Moma So Poor I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."
Yo Moma So Poor I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"
Yo Moma So Poor I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."
Yo Moma So Poor only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...
Yo Moma So Poor when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
Yo Moma So Poor she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.
Yo Moma So Poor closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...
Yo Moma So Poor she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.
Yo Moma So Poor I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"
Yo Moma So Poor I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"
Yo Moma So Poor I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.
Yo Moma So Poor she does drive by shootings on the school bus
Q: How does a blonde spell FARM?
A: E-I-E-I-O
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a pressure gauge in her ear
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: How does a blonde try to kill fish?
A: She tries to drown it.
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: She was trying to blow out light bulbs.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 'What's a light bulb?'
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One... she holds it, and let's the world revolve around her.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two... one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and the other to call 'Daaaaddyyy!'
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One thousand... one to hold the light bulb, and the other 999 to rotate the house.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five... the first four were killed at attemption.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&M's?
A: M&M's are too hard to peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells on the floor.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: She threw away the W's.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
Q: Why would the previous joke confuse her?
A: She wouldn't know if the 3's come before the E's, or in-between the M's and W's, or at the end.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't, they're born that way.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put here in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Write 'Please turn over...' on both sides of the paper.
Q: Three people were walking down the street, Santa Claus, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde, the other two are fictional!
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave at her.
Q: How does blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: Why did the blonde climb the chain linked fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: A blonde it going to London on a plane, how can you get her window seat?
A: Tell her that the seat she is in isn't going to London.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run... she's got a grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you call a blonde with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.
Q: What do you call an annoying blonde?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with hammers.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde?
A: When you have an air pump to fix her.
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The air pump!
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide, bleach, and a few other magical items.
Q: What is it called when one blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What goes 'VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM!'?
A: A blonde going through a blinking red light.
Q: To a Blonde, what is long and hard?
A: The fourth grade.
Q: What is the definition of a gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: 'I just love nuclear fission... what do you use for bait?'
Q: Why did the blonde freeze to death at the drive-in?
A: She went to see Closed For The Winter.
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It shrinks during the night.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that about 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Monday.
Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen can of orange juice for 3 hours?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.
Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.
Q: Why did the blonde bake the chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said to cook for a half hour per pound, and she weighed 125 bounds.
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise was annoying her.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why don't blonde have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What is the difference between smart blondes and Elvis?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed someone has already used the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see one.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are even some things a blonde won't do.
Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A: A hundred dollar bill.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in that little packet.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: What do you call 10 blondes in a pool?
A: Air pockets.
Q: What's brown, red, black, and blue?
A: A brunette that told too many blonde jokes.
Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why did the blonde bread her leg trying to play hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: She didn't know which ONE came first!
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, one to stand in the bathtub another to pass her the blow dryer!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off the cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of a the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: She was bobbing for french fries
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: See if she has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: See if she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes to long to retrain them.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it, 'good for up to twenty pounds.'
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMW's?
A: It's the only car they know how to spell.
Q: What does the postcard form a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time... where am I?
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toe goes in first.
Q: Why doesn't the previous work?
A: They can't remember what TGIF stands for.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double up recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go over 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get that bottle in the typewriter.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't find the number 11 on the telephone.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: 'Daaaaddyyy, I wanna go to Hawaii!'
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blond had to stop and ask for directions.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, are you sure it's mine?
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on...
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts.
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: 'Thanks for the refill!'
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide & seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing in a circle.
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call and unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde with only 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with only half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: A branch manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: I don't know, you can't force a gorilla to do everything...
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin, and throw it back.
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have ion common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do peroxide blondes and black man have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: Why did they stop doing the 'wave' at Dodger Stadium?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across a street when the sign said Don't Walk.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks her keys in the car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde try to steal the police car?
A: She saw 911 on the back, and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She didn't want the wind messing up her hair.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because the box said From 2-4 years.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.
Q: Why shouldn't blondes skydive?
A: They'll miss Earth.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: 'Look, doughnut seeds!'
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What's black, fuzzy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.
Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: You'd be hurt to if you got a dictionary thrown at you!
Q: What's five miles long, and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!
Q: Why don't blondes eat barbecue beans?
A: They keep falling through the holes in the grill.
Q: How can you tell a blonde is on location at a oil drilling rig?
A: She's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
Q: How many blondes does it take to eat a deer?
A: Three... one to eat it, and two to look out for cars.
Did you hear about the blonde who bought and A.M. radio, and it took her 3 weeks to realize that you can play it at night?
Did you hear about the blonde who was looking at herself in the mirror with her eyes closed to see what she looked like when she was asleep?
Did you hear about the blonde coyote that got caught in a trap, chewed off three of her legs, and was still stuck?
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husbands car and burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe?
Did you hear about the blonde who took and hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into a taxi, and the driver kept the VACANT sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who though nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who watched ballerinas in a box, and wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics to class for a make-up exam?
Did you hear about the blonde who named her dog herpes... because it wouldn't heel?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company?
Did you hear about the blonde who drove her truck into a lake and her dog drowned while she was trying to get the tailgate down?
Did you hear about the blonde Buddhist monk that kept asking her students to imitate the sound of TWO hands clapping?
Two blondes were working on building a house. The one at the top kept throwing nails down. The blonde at the bottom shouted up, "Why do you keep throwing down nails!?" The one nailing said, "When I pull them out, if the nail isn't pointing at the house, I can't use them, so I throw them away!" The blonde at the bottom got real mad and said, "Stupid... the ones pointing at you are for the other side of the house!"
A blonde was wondering around her college one day, and she ran across her professor that was staring into a fish tank. "What are you doing?" the blonde asked. The professor replied, "I'm attempting mental telepathy one the fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I am certain, I can control them through their thoughts." The professor asked the blonde if she would like to try. The blonde certain of her abilities, stared at the tank, and the her eyes stated to bulge, and then her mouth formed and "o" form, and she just sat there like that.
Two blondes are walking down a road, and one yells out, "Look a dead bird!" The other blonde looks up, "Where... where?"
Two blondes are walking along one day, and they came across some tracks. The first one says, "Those are elephant tracks." The other says, "No, those are tiger tracks." The next minute, WHAM, they both got hit by a train.
A blonde is in the middle of a road in a row boat, pretending to row. Then a car full of other blondes pulled up and yelled out, "It's people like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I'd come over there and deck you!"
A guy asked his blonde wife how she got the car in the living room. She replied, "I drove through the kitchen and took a left."
A guy asked a blonde if she believed in smoking. She said, "Yes, I've seen it done."
A blonde got tired of being blonde so she dyed her hair brown. She decided to take a ride in the country, and came across a farmer moving his many sheep across the road. She asked, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me a lamb?" The farmer said, "Allright." The gal guessed correctly and picked out her lamb. "Now," she said, "If you can guess what color my hair is, I'll give you back your lamb." "Allright," said the farmer, "You're a blonde, and now give me my dog back!"
A blonde was walking down the street with a pig under her arm. Someone asked, "Where did you get that?" And the pig said, "I won her at the carnival."
A blonde went to order a pizza. The cook asked her if he should cut it in 6 or twelve pieces. The blonde said, "Six please, I could never eat twelve pieces."
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